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I've not updated my web log for quite a long time now. Today, it’s exactly 1 month from my last update. June, July and now more than halfway through August was really-really tough period of life even by my own standard.

My friends said it’s because I’m concentrating on wrong priority in life and I’m taking every matters seriously. I’m very annoyed with their comment at first but after careful thinking and looking down at my fragile and ‘pathetic’ self I realize that they are telling the truth.

There’s so much thing that I learned throughout this 2++ months. I’ll talk about it later. Physically, I’ve lost kilograms of weight. Mentally, I’m totally fragile for the first month. I’ve been entrusted with loads of assignments, which is very important and very demanding. By my standard, honestly speaking, I screwed it all up. My work has been hugely affected and everything is way, way below par.

This is when I recalled what my Boss said:

“Who said that personal matters can’t affect work matters? No matter how tough you are, at least in some little way, you’ll be affected. Therefore, please take care of your personal life.”

The second month, I opened up my self and try to seek out advice from my friends. Here’s some of the scoop that I can remember …

1)    There’s a sign if you really fall in love. If you really fall in love, you’ll feel fulfillment, otherwise it’s just excitement.

2)    You are fragile mentally; you should exercise and get fit. The other method is tried fasting. Do not make any decision while your mental is in yo-yo state. You’ll surely regret what you decide.

3)    There’re four stages in the journey to find true love.

i)             Liking – You like the person. The quality of what makes you like the person depends on individual.

ii)            Fondness – After knowing the person, having spent times together, you know each other, you should felt fondness. Fondness minds you! A lot of person trapped in this stage and they think its love but the truth is it’s not love yet.

iii)           Delight – you’ll be delighted when you felt fondness running through your veins. You’re delighted because you think you’ve found “the one”.

Intermediate - When all the bells and whistles fades/ gone … can you still felt the latter 3 stages? It is at this time that can make the different between true love or “true hell”. Can you accept all part of the person that you think “the One”? Can “the One” accept all part of you? If both of you can accept each other, both of you will treat each other as a King and Queen – thus true love. If both of you can’t accept every part of each other, there’re lots of problems will surface, which are too numerous to be listed – thus “true hell”.

iv)           True Love/ True ‘hell’

4)    Are you sure of what you’re looking for? What if when you get something that you’re looking for and then you realize that it’s not as beautiful and promising as it may seems? What then?

5)  What is the objectives in your life? You have to be clear of what you want to achieve throughout your life. It doesn't matter what your objectives are, you have to have one. When you know what you want to do, find a life partner that compliments you. Love is one thing, marriage is another. Marriage will either make you grow together or grow apart. Which one do you prefer? Therefore, open your horizon, don't limit yourself ... cause you don't know what life have in store for you ... but you have to try.

6)    You can change A to be V for instance. However, you have to be strong. You need effort … are you ready to put in your effort? Endless effort sometimes, or maybe every time?

7)    Plans, Efforts, Doas, Tawakkal and Redha. You understand the concept of Takdir don’t you?

8)    When you do something, do it with all you’ve got but in the same time don’t attach yourself to it. No string attached. It’s a tough balancing act … but you must master it.

9)    Trust your “gerak hati”. In order to achieve credible “gerak hati”, you have to be stable, you have to be fully devoted the Allah S.W.T.

10) Allah itu, bila sayangkan hamba2nya, Dia akan manguji mereka untuk melihat kerendahan hati2 hambanya.

11) Know Allah, Love Allah then you’ll learn to know and Love yourself. Only then you’ll learn to know someone and Love someone.

Heart related feelings and emotions is not exactly the brightest part in my life. Although I’ve fall in love before, it’s not as deep as what I’ve been experiencing this past year. I can’t believe that I fall short with the tests that have been granted to me. As I’ve mention somewhere in my web log, TEST from Allah is certain. It is as certain as death that we can’t run from.

Anyway, the month of August is the time for me to step back from all the things that I’m attach to, ‘dismantle’ the mechanics of my thought and take a very hard and deep insight through my self. I’m asking myself every question that been asked to me by my friends. It was never easy and it was terribly painful.

Now, I can feel peace (period). I understand my self a bit more clearly than before. I can say with all my heart that I truly love the person I love. I’m not afraid to love, otherwise I’m eager to love even more ... even if pains and sufferings awaits me … J (I surely will be tested with this statement).


PersWis, Teusday, 19th August 2003