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Life goes like this Ö

We get hit by little pebbles Ė as a kind of warning.

When we ignore the pebbles, we get hit by a brick.

Ignore the brick and we get wiped out by a boulder.

If we are honest, we can see where we have ignored the warning signs. And then we have the nerve to say: ďWhy me

-Happiness in a Nutshell, Andrew Matthews-


Do you believe in intuition? I donít believe it Ö or at least I donít want to believe it. Iím afraid that my intuition wasnít based on proper ground, which, Iím very worried will consequently led me to wrong decisions and wrong judgments. Iím worried my action based on my intuition will hurt anybody.

However, more often then not the intuition that kept signaling and waving me happened to be true. I felt something going to happen in the relationship between me and my friend at least one week before. I ignore the signal and does nothing Ö wham! Itís true Ö something happened.

Usually, I donít exactly know whatís going to happened. I just felt something will happen. I strongly feel that if I tried to understand the signals and markers may it be apparent signals, or just weak signals, it can lead me to something concrete. Something that I can act upon to avoid or to accept or whatever decision and action the situation requires.


Actually, I feel very uncomfortable right now. Whether Iím at the office or at home, I felt like Iím being watched. I felt like Iím under the microscope! I feel a little safe when Iím in my bedroom and when I fall asleep. Maybe Iím too paranoid with myself Ö maybe.  

However, that little secret stare, face expressions Ė eye lights and movements (seems like saying something), mouth (smile, etc) and body languages (the way people walk, gestures, hand movements) are quietly sending unclear messages to me. 

Somebody (that I know) YM me a week ago and said ďha ha ha rasakan Ē and ďIím glad youíve changeĒ Ö which I donít understand completely what it means. Somebody even told me that itís not them that inform My Boss about Iím being cheerful lately Ö It just never make sense! 

L Ö I really feel paranoid right now. I really wanted to talk to somebody about it but I donít know where to turn (Iím aware there are several person that I can trust, but I canít contact them Ė I feel unsafe). Can anyone tell me what are you  going to do when something that you thought was your personal secret, is known by everybody (even your family back home Ė 100 km away!) what are you  going to do? Although what they know is true (most of them does not reflect my actual means though), the alarming issue is how on earth do they know? Am I talking while I sleep? Or maybe Iím just a big mouthed guy?

*I recall a conversation with someone who used someone elseís YM and says;


Unknown: Kau mesti ingat aku ni X kan? Asyik2 X jer!

Me: Yar Lor Ö why lor?

Unknown: Kau jgn. pecaya sangat ngan X tu. Aku nasihatkan kau ni sbg seorang kawan.

At this point Iím just got puzzled and very confused. The person log off not long after Ö

ŗ weeks later? Itís all history Ö *

p/s: to my friend: Iím sorry for my strange and quite ďarrogantĒ behavior yesterday. If you ever have doubt over myself (my actions, my motivation, whatever doubt), could you please ask me yourself?


PersWis, Saturday, 28th June 2003;