PERSONAL WISDOM

- Seeking Knowledge n Wisdom in every turn, every nook and every cranny -

- Knowledge + Practice = FAITH -

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Surely everyone is carrying something,
painting sadness and beauty.
But as they repeat their routines,
they face tomorrow with a purity that almost hurts.

I've lived up to now. Um- although the length of time is a little different.

Just having met you, just having loved you,
even if we can't share our thoughts,
just for that... thank you.

Everyone has sacrificed something
and gotten something new in return.
Even so, if there is anything
I can always be proud of, it's you.

I've ridden past. Um- although there have been a number of night scenes.

Just having met you, just having loved you,
having shared our thoughts... from now until forever...

I should think of you as proof that I live
without taking my eyes off of truth and reality.

Just having met you, just having loved you,
having shared my thoughts with you,
from now until forever... thank you.

-Ayumi Hamasaki- translated

 

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I fall in love with one of my female friends and I let her know about my feelings. I never mean it to be that way at first but it just happened. I knew her almost a year ago. She was recruited by my company to assist us to prepared specifications for the expansion of our plant setup.

I don’t really recognize her for the first few days, until that moment … it was in the spec correction meeting when she wanted to ask something about the specification. I can never forget that look and that confidence from her. For someone who’s very new in an organization, the confidence she showed at that moment really impressed me.

It was never easy to fall in love, and I did not immediately fall in love with her. I’ve failed in my first love and I told myself not to be so eager. I thought that I should know her better and I did exactly that. Although my pace is not as fast as a bullet train or a Concorde, I thought that I’m doing just fine.

The process of knowing her made me appreciate the words friend even more. I never thought that a relationship between male and female could be ‘just friend’ or platonic … I never though it would, until then. By being friend, I had a hint that she’s been someone else’s, or, she has a boyfriend to be exact. I’m a bit disappointed by knowing that but I felt happiness at the same time. I never really had a female friend before and the experience with her and her friends enriched me in one way or another.

I knew that I can’t fall in love with her. I knew how it feels when there’s someone else in your relationship. So, it’s almost like a pledge to myself to not to interfere with her love life … that’s what I thought … because love has slowly started to creep into my vein.

However, at the same time, there has been something bothering me and made me curios and concern. She sometimes, out of the blue, threw ‘blank stare’, light in her eyes suddenly minimize and she seems in deep thought. Why was she behaved in such a way? I asked myself …

I saw her several times in that situation for several months. It made me uneasy and weird whisperings and feelings started to grow in my heart. I do not understand whether that whispering is evil or something but I proceeded by the way. The feelings that I felt and the whisperings told me that I’ve to try something to win her heart. I thought that there’s no use standing still and just stared at something you adore.

I started with asking her out, just me and her. We went out almost regularly before, but with her friends. She hesitated at first, but finally she agreed. I did not remember exactly the date, but it’s in Ramadhan. We went out about 3.00 p.m. by bus; hang out doing some window shopping for the coming Hari Raya. That ‘date’ really made me happy and I forget the real reason I’m going out with her.

However, in the way back …

“Perswis … don’t you afraid being beaten for going out with me?”

I thought it was a joke, so I answer her in joking gesture “Why should I afraid? Who’s going to beat me? Your boyfriend?”

After keeping quiet for a few second, she answered “… Yes …”

Sensing seriousness in her voice, I resume and answered her first question “… I am not afraid, if he wants to beat me, I’ll defend myself”

Becoming more serious, she said “… it’s easy if it’s you, what if it’s me?

Her last statement really shocked me. I wanted to ask about it further but my voice stuck in my mouth. She mustn’t be serious! Am I in a movie or something? Although I never thought that she’s totally serious, but the look in her face told me otherwise. Is there really exist men who can beat women who does not officially theirs? I thought its just story made up in movies and storybooks.

Anyway, her last statement really haunted me until this day. I don’t know exactly what to do. In one way, I really want her, but in other way I’m afraid … I’m afraid that she’ll be hurt. I hope I can be there when something happened, but can I be there all the time? ………..  

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PersWis, 16th June 2003;