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My mother called me on Saturday night and I was somewhat surprise. For someone out there who doesnít know me, I think it's useful for me to inform you that I've been separated from my mother since I was 9 years old. Since then, thereíre so much thing happened to me and to my sadness, the essential feeling Iíve to have to my mother just vanished with time. One thing for sure though, I respected her very much. I have to.

Our conversation that night was about life. What Iím doing right now, howís my work, what do I plan for the future, the engagement of my sister, and things like that.

One question that freezes me was about marriage. I always tried to avoid any form of conversation about marriage with my families. Iíve to do that because Iíve no answer to most of the question they asked. When youíre going to get married? whoís your girlfriend? let me introduce you to someone, youíre almost too old Ö (huh?), your cousin married already Ö bla, bla, bla and the like Ö. Those questions tormented me to the extent that I started to felt desperate.

I felt that Iím quite ready to be a husband and a father but not to the extent of desperation Ö yet. Although Iím already 27, I strongly feel that Iíve to keep my cool and remain mindly focused because marriage is a serious issue. Iíve tried work my way to find a soul mate Ö and Iím being unlucky so far.

I always feel silly when Iím despairing over something that I donít really understand. Sometimes when I woke up in the morning, I just felt despair running wildly in my vein. I donít really understand why.

I always talk to myself and Iíve come to understand why I behave in such a way. Iíve concluded that Iím not faithful enough to the One, Allah the Almighty, and Iím not in love enough with Him. The feelings that I felt are sort of punishment I guess.

Err Ö I said that Iím not desperate yet did I Ö I feel desperate now Ö actually the feeling of desperation going on and off inside me for quite sometimes now. I strongly feel that I need someone to complete me ASAP. Iíve come to a point where I feel the need to be accompanied by someone in my journey to achieve RAHMAH and REDHO from the One. Am I right to feel that way?


PersWis, 5th May 2003;